It’s been so hard to sit down and write this post.
After the two failed transfers in Jan/Feb, I decided that I couldn’t keep doing the same thing. I wanted some control over my life. I wanted to know if I could get pregnant naturally. So after 7 years of using some form of birth control, C and I decided to try sex without it, and….I didn’t get pregnant. We tried in March, April, May – and nothing. I had a polyp removed from my uterus in May. We tried in June – and nothing.
We had a two-week trip planned in September, and I decided that I definitely did not want to get pregnant before the trip. So for July and August I *sort of* tried not to have sex around ovulation. But I had tried so hard for 4 months, that I figured it was hopeless. Meanwhile, C got a job at a new company that has stellar IVF benefits (no infertility required). I was ready to go on my fun trip to Europe and then dive back into IVF in October.
C and I were going on a shorter trip with his mom the last week of August. A few days before the trip I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I woke up really early the morning of our trip and did a pregnancy test just to be sure. And two lines showed up. I freaked out. I said “Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck,” then I started crying. I was not excited. I was scared of what I had done and what was to come.
A couple of weeks later we had our trip to New York/Denmark/Greece (weeks 6-8 of my pregnancy). I was nauseas all day, every day of the trip. I was tired. It was very difficult, and I did not get a prescription for anti-nausea medicine until I came back home. I kept my excitement at bay, because I knew that I was going to do genetic testing, and that there was a 50% chance of the baby being affected.
I thought that I would be able to do CVS testing at 10 weeks. I could not do it until 12 weeks. C was out of town for work, and my friend came with me to the CVS test. It was painful, but not terrible and it was over quick (although we spent hours waiting). Prior to the test I had to get the nuchal translucency ultrasound, which took about an hour. I didn’t want to see the screen at all. The woman doing the ultrasound didn’t understand why I didn’t want to see the baby, and she kept pointing out all its perfect body parts. I didn’t want to see what the baby looked like, but I accidentally did see it. I accidentally saw its perfect, tiny nose.
I thought that it would take 2 weeks to get results, but it took 4 weeks because they had to culture the sample. The lab also lost my blood sample, so I had to rush to have my blood drawn again. Then I was told that the CVS and blood samples would have to be sent to another lab. There were a lot of mishaps, so I thought there was another mishap when I listened to the message from my genetic counselor. It turned out they had been able to get the results. The result was that the baby was affected. I was 16 weeks pregnant when I got this news.
I got the call on my lunch break at work and no one was around me. I froze. I texted C. He told me to come straight home. It was the weekend before Thanksgiving. He handled all the calls to the abortion clinic. I didn’t want to get an abortion. I didn’t even want to get the results of the genetic testing. I was hoping that they would lose the results and I could just say “fuck it” and keep the baby. But they didn’t lose the results. And C really wanted me to get an abortion, because that was always part of the plan.
The abortion was scheduled for two days – the first to have dilators inserted into my cervix. After that, I was in the most excruciating pain I’ve ever felt. Once the oxycodone kicked in, I was more relaxed. They also gave me some sort of drugs in an IV the next day, when I had the actual “evacuation.” Afterwards, I felt at peace. C & I went out to lunch and I ate a big meal. C & I took the whole week of Thanksgiving off and stayed home, which was really nice. The day after the procedure, I wasn’t in pain so I didn’t take any oxycodone. That was the worst day emotionally, and it tapered off after that. I was actually really happy for the next couple of weeks – something to do with my hormones maybe. But also, it was nice to feel like myself again.
I met with my IVF doctor in early December. She told me that I couldn’t do another transfer until my third cycle. I got my first period 33 days after the procedure, which is pretty good. I was told it could take up to 8 weeks! My doctor wants me to do a saline sonogram during my next cycle, then do a transfer the cycle after that. I’ll have to decide whether to do a medicated or natural transfer cycle, but more on that later.
So that was my year. I wasn’t pregnant. Then I was. And now I’m not again.